Are you tired of being a nobody in a sea of podcasters? Do you want to be an influencer, but you just can’t seem to crack the code? Well, lucky for you, I have the inside scoop on how to podcast for maximum influence. So, buckle up and get ready for some hilarious advice.

Tip #1: Get a fancy microphone

Let’s face it, nobody wants to listen to a podcast that sounds like it was recorded with a potato. Invest in a fancy microphone, and your voice will sound like butter. People will be so entranced by your velvety smooth voice that they won’t even care what you’re saying. Just make sure to never leave your mic on during a bathroom break. Trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way.

Tip #2: Embrace the power of oversharing

Sharing too much personal information may be a social faux pas, but when it comes to podcasting, oversharing is the key to success. Talk about your deepest fears, your crush on your high school teacher, and your weird phobia of cotton balls. People love hearing about other people’s embarrassing moments. It makes them feel better about their own weird quirks.

Tip #3: Use click-bait titles

In today’s age of scrolling and swiping, attention spans are shorter than ever. So, use click-bait titles to lure people in. For example, “I almost died in a coconut eating contest,” or “My dog predicted the future.” It doesn’t even matter if your episode has nothing to do with the title. People will still listen, hoping to hear about that dog and his prophetic abilities.

Tip #4: Swear like a sailor

When in doubt, swear it out. Curse words are like the salt of the podcasting world; they make everything better. Don’t be afraid to drop an F-bomb or two (or twenty) if it feels appropriate. Just make sure to put a warning before the episode, so your mom doesn’t accidentally listen and faint.

Tip #5: Be dramatic

Life is full of drama, so why not lean into it? Add dramatic pauses and music to your podcast for maximum effect. Make your listeners feel like they’re listening to the next great epic tale, even if it’s just a story about how you got lost on the way to the grocery store.

Tip #6: Have celebrity guests

If you want to be an influencer, you need to get some famous friends. No, seriously, it’s true. Having celebrity guests on your podcast is a surefire way to gain influence, even if you’ve never met them in real life. Just do a little light internet stalking, and you’ll be on your way to booking Oprah in no time.

Tip #7: Promote yourself shamelessly

If you want to be an influencer, you have to be your own biggest hype man. Promote yourself shamelessly on social media, in your email signature, and in everyday conversation. Give yourself a catchy nickname, like “The Podcast Queen” or “The Podfather.” The more you talk about yourself, the more people will start to believe it.

In conclusion, podcasting for maximum influence is all about being entertaining, oversharing, and promoting yourself shamelessly. So, invest in a fancy microphone, use click-bait titles, swear like a sailor, be dramatic, have celebrity guests, and promote yourself like crazy. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be the influencer you always dreamed of being. Or you’ll just have a really entertaining podcast that your mom listens to. Either way, it’s a win.